Update

So, things are going okay, I guess. I came back to college to find Dan in the room, waiting for me. He seemed to be okay, but he was concerned that he hadn’t been in good health. He said that he had blacked out shortly before he planned to leave for break, and that he woke up behind the wheel of his car. I told him to take it easy now that he was back at school, I don’t want his health to go down the tubes, you know?

I went on a short walk today, although the cold made it less fun, obviously. I’m taking a class this semester in raptor identification and life history, so once the warmth of spring sets in, I expect to be out even more often!

This may seem weird… but… is is possible that i could get some email to send you guys news that I… might not feel comfortable posting here? I know it sounds weird… but I’m afraid that it might not be okay to share some things…

Dreaming Again

It happened again.  Dan came into the room as I was falling asleep, and he sat in our dark room with his computer open, typing furiously as the light illuminated his face.  And as I drifted off, the image seemed familiar.

I dreamed again.  The main thing about this dream, and the thing that set it apart from the last one, was that there was a chant.  A drone in the background.  The words were unfamiliar, but the message was hate.  The wind of the world that my dream was in was motivated by hate.

The dream began in the woods again.  Dan stood by the banks this time, and he pushed me into the creek.  We washed up again by the tree with its arms outstretched.  This time it was to strangle us, for certain.  And as I walked toward the long limbs that curved around me, the moist smell of rotting wood filling my nostrils, I head one note break the drone.  A howl.  A scream?  My head snapped up, and there it was, behind me, chasing me away from the soft suffocating death of the tree, the wolf.  It wasn’t exactly a wolf this time, but I knew it was the same evil.  This time it was lithe and curved, its lines reminiscent of a panther.  But it still had the blank white face and hate-filled eyes that made me avert my eyes.

Then the drone began again, and I could make out words.  The drone said over and over again in Dan’s voice that I was useless.  A failure.  That I was an enemy, and that I was due to die.  The wind surrounded me with hate and I ran.  I ran into a clearing where I could hear friendly voices, and the rattling of bones.  The voices came from the bones, and I realized that my friends were dead.  When I looked back to the wolf, it was inches from my face.  Its impossible mouth stretched wide without opening, and I jolted awake.

There sat Dan, still illuminated by the computer, looking up at me.  I guess he was confused by my sudden awakening, because his dark eyes had an odd expression on them, one alien to his face.  Those odd dark eyes behind the light of his laptop.

I guess my dream was about my fear of being alone.  Right?  I just wish it hadn’t been so close to me.  It was right there, about to swallow me up.  Why didn’t it?  The wolf has always looked so angry, so hateful, so hungry for my death.  Why did it fail when it came so close?

Break Broken?

I’m on break.  It’s fun to be away from school, and with Rich all cleaned up, we actually just get to have a fun break.  I’ve caught up on my sleep, and none of those awful dreams have been keeping me up lately.  I’m going to be seeing some more distant relatives for thanksgiving, so that’s nice.  As I said, I’m happy that I’m on break, and that I’m away from it all.

But what about when break’s over?  I’m going to be back in the same town, going to the same school, living in the same dorm where there are the noises and the wolf and the fear. What’s it going to mean?  Is it all just going to start all over?

This is all compacted by reports of a large, dangerous, largely unidentified animals back in my college town.  Is this related?  Is it the wolf?

I hate that I don’t even really get to relax on break.

Dreams

So, obviously, I haven’t been sleeping well lately.  But I haven’t been completely honest.  It isn’t just the paranoia.  I’ve been having dreams that make me completely unwilling to sleep.

I just woke up from one.  While it’s still fresh, I’ve decided to let you know.

In my dream, I’m in the woods, by the creek.  Rich is there, and we climb up the bank to walk out of the forest, when a white wolf charges out of the brush toward us.  We back up and fall into the creek, and are carried downstream to the point where there’s this tree.  The tree has three large branches leading out from the base, and it looks rotten and dead.  I get the distinct feeling that I’ve seen this tree before.  Rich leads me toward the base, and from this perspective, it seems like the middle branch is a body, and the other two are arms reaching out to embrace us.  Or strangle us.  There’s a light at the base of the body, and Rich points to it, and suddenly there are eyes behind the light.  Two large, black, hollow eyes in a  blank white face illuminated by the light at the base of the body.  The blank face rears up to attack and I drop through the ground.

Now I’m in the middle of a prairie.  A howl pierces the night and I look around to see the grass rustling.  I hear Erica’s voice, and Dan’s, and Rich’s.  And two voices I can’t pinpoint, and only one of them is familiar.  But the howls keep coming, and I know that there’s a wolf in the field.  I run until I reach a road, and then I hear Dan’s voice behind me, telling me I’m going to be okay.  But when I turn around, it’s the wolf.  And his eyes are black, and hollow, and he runs at me with an open mouth, hungry for my flesh.  But it isn’t open.  I can’t describe it.  And then I lurch awake.

My first reaction when awake was to look out the window, because I know that something’s out there.  And like an idiot, I still haven’t set up the camera, but I’m emboldened by the dream somehow, so I pull the blinds up, and there they are, hollow, black eyes on a blank white face with a mouth that won’t open.

And then I wake up again.  It must have been part of the dream.  Right?  That happens. But now I can’t sleep, because now anytime I hear a noise outside, it’s the white wolf with his blank black eyes staring hungrily into mine.  Not hungrily.  Hatefully.  The hate in those eyes could sharpen knives.

This is the fear that makes us afraid of the dark as children.  This thing is the fear that leaves you gasping for air in the suffocating heat of your blankets, hoping that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you.  And it won’t leave.  This is the fear that keeps us out of the woods at night.  So here I am, sitting in my bed with my computer in my lap, wishing I hadn’t been brave enough in my dream to find fear out my window.

My Life Lately

First, some good news, in the way of some video-

Rich was out in the woods, he was using his little trip away from reality to dry up and get off drugs.  He’s off, and he stops in to note to me that he’s been keeping clean.  It’s really good to see him back to normal, to hear his normal voice, and to be able to talk about family things with him.  It’s like my brother was dead, and now I have him back!  In other good news, Erica and I are doing quite well, and she’s ben really supportive of Rich’s newfound sobriety, she even invited him (and me of course) over for homemade pizza.  It’s good to be normal again.

I also think its worth noting that the day that I found Rich there were a TON of animals out in the woods.  I saw a barn owl (Tyto alba) in flight, as well as one or two whitetail deer (Odocoileus virginianus), more than a few cardinals (Cardinalis cardinalis), signs of our resident beavers (Castor canadensis) and a small army of various birds I was unable to identify because I wasn’t really looking at animals.  I thought that it was weird.

Bad news time.  Things aren’t as normal as I’d like them to be.  I keep hearing things outside my window at night, and this morning I had it confirmed that someone had been pacing, they left notable footprints from pacing by my window.  I feel odd, and it hasn’t done good things to my sleep schedule.  As I speak, I’m worried to look out the window.  I’ve never been so afraid just to pull up some blinds.  Who could be out there?  Why would they be out there?  Are they out there right now?

In other words, life continues to be confusing.

Thoughts from A Week of Walks

 

As I mentioned in the video description, Rich was acting quite strange, and I feel that the change in setting had to do with it.  He seemed to be trying to direct me either to or away from some location in the woods.  Nothing happened along the walk that was specifically unusual, so I don’t think he was directing me to anyplace.  And his face when he commented that “no one would live out here” was very odd.  He seemed almost angry that I would suggest it.

On the walk with Erica, there were a lot of noises, they certainly had Erica worried. I’m not sure how much of the noise was from Rich, since we saw him later, and how much could be attributed to the other animals.  As long as I’m talking about animals, there were a lot of birds out this week, including what appeared to be an indigo bunting, Passerina cyanea, which should have started migration by now (so this one was probably sick or slow).  We also saw two Cardinalis cardinalis, a male and a female, as was noted in the video.  After Erica pointed out the female, there was a loud snapping noise, I’m not sure how well the camera picked that up.  As I noted in the video, Rich never really answered why he was in the woods that day, no matter how many times I asked him (and in fact I just asked him again today, still with no answer, he “subtly” changed the subject to homework).

Off the topic of Rich, the two days were filmed with different cameras, one mine and one Erica’s (and as I noted, she does still have a better one, so maybe that’s the answer), but I was wondering if you guys noticed a particular difference between the two of them, and if you’d prefer any future videos done with one or the other?  I want you guys to be able to understand the video as clearly as possible, so that you guys can help me as best as you can.

 

Thoughts from a Walk #6

Last night Erica and I went for a walk.  We stayed out pretty late, so I didn’t get around to blogging about it until now.  It was surprisingly cold, especially after such an unseasonably warm day, and we both had to wear jackets.

We walked for a good long time, and as we walked along the edge of the creek, we heard something splash into the water and saw a large turtle shell.  I was sad it was so late, because I’m pretty sure it was Chelydra serpentina, and they’re quite a sight.

Overall, it was a pretty normal walk, and the sounds of animals rustling through the fallen foliage was all around us.  I dropped her off, and went back to my room to find Rich sitting against my door.  He asked me where I had been and I explained that I had taken a walk in the woods.  Suddenly, he looked panicked and ran off, out the back door of my dorm.  I’ve just about had it with all of this.

Thanks for your help on the video, guys, and I’m sorry about the audio.  The camera was obscured so that it would be hard for Rich to see, and the audio on my crappy little camera sucks anyway.  I’ll try to find a way to improve these things, maybe Erica will let me use her camera.  I don’t know.

 

EDIT: I realize I didn’t include a link to one of my videos, the one referred to above, here on the wordpress.  So here goes-

Thoughts From a Walk #5

So I know it seems like you guys are catching a lot from me recently, it’s been an interesting day.  I really thought that after uploading the video today, I’d just finish some homework and conk out, but Erica had different plans.  The two of us had a great walk this evening, and it was very calming.

I told her that I was getting some help on the Rich front from you guys.  She’s noticed that something is weird with Rich, but generally, she’s staying out of it.  I can respect that, it’s more of a family thing, so she’s just glad I’ve found some support.

It was a nice day today, unseasonably warm, but with a nice breeze so it wasn’t awful, but when Erica came to walk with me, it was later in the evening and it had cooled down to the point where it was almost uncomfortable.  I put on a jacket, but that was a little to warm, so I was a little distracted during the walk.

That said, it was pleasant enough, and we heard some owls going about their business as we wandered the trails.  We definitely heard Tyto alba, the common barn owl.  They freak me out, and since I’ve been on edge anyway, I wasn’t terribly pleased.  They screech so eerily, and they look so bizarre.  Ulgh.

So, I guess that the real though from this walk was… that… life is eerie and confusing.  That’s how I feel lately anyway.

Youtube

Hey guys, I made the youtube channel upon which I will upload the videos of my brother, and I uploaded a quick intro so that if people find it on youtube without any experience here, they’ll still be able to tell what’s going on. Here’s a link to the first video-

Thoughts from a Walk #4

Hi friends.  It occurs to me that I’ve been really wrapped up in this things with my brother and that it’s cut into time that I could spend doing other things.  Like my favorite hobby.

So I took to the woods with my girlfriend Erica yesterday.  We walked all of my favorite trails, and went off-path for a little while until we found a few otter-slide sites, confirming my suspicion that our little creek has at least one otter family, probably Lontra canadensis, which has had a wider range in the past and has been re-introduced in much of its range.

It was a really good walk, but I just had the whole brother thing weighing on my mind, I guess.  The whole time I felt really unnerved while walking in the woods. Usually I know that I’m generally alone in the woods, and with Erica there, obviously I wasn’t, but I was still nervous, because it felt like something or someone was following us.  Probably just a stressed brain.

And now I’ve got myself thinking about my brother and his problems again.  I’m not trying to forget about him, because he’s my brother and I love him.  Sometimes I just want to pretend that I’m not having these problems.

He’s acting even weirder than he was, if that’s possible.  He keeps standing around campus and itching.  And staring at me when I pass by.  it’s unnerving, and people have been asking me what he’s doing.  I don’t know what to tell them, because he’s just so not himself.